Movie Madness!

SEPTEMBER 1996

The movie distribution schedule continues to evolve. Every year, some huge monster hits explode in June and July, knocking the rest of the summer season off balance. With the ID4 juggernaut still hogging screens, releases slated for earlier playdates tumble into the August and September schedule. Pictures meant to be released months apart now show up within a week of each other. Every weekend has at least a half-dozen new pictures crowded onto our beloved plex screens, more than even I can keep up with. Please excuse me for doubling up on a few reviews. The films in question would make ideal double features.

BORDELLO OF BLOOD

Will somebody tell this Whoopi Goldburg how to pick a script? Her summer basketball comedy Eddie turned out to be an airball, while the expensive Theodore Rex was relegated to a vid release. I haven't caught her latest starring vehicle, but with a title like Bogus (and a co-star like Gerard Depardue playing a pixie), aren't they just asking for it? Meanwhile, Whoopi does her HBO pals a "favor" by showing up in a quick and unfunny cameo in the second Tales from the Crypt feature film. In Bordello of Blood, Dennis Miller carries the whole show as a wisecracking PI who tries to save Erika Elaniak's perfect behind from the clutches of the title stronghold of vampire hookers. Returning director Gilbert Adler and a blood crystal thingmabob provide the only connection to the previous installment in this surprisingly gory series. Fun stuff, but the thoroughly illogical ending kinda ruins things. Corey Feldman (Lost Boys) and Chris Sarandon (Fright Night) make a fine return to nosferaterritory, but as the queen of the undead, model Angie Everheart is so wooden she practically stakes herself.

BULLETPROOF

Damon Wayans: funny. Adam Sandler: not funny. Both act okay, and to his credit, Sandler doesn't don one baseball cap in the entire running time of this silly but acceptable buddy picture.

CARPOOL

A sign of the coming apocalypse? Two Tom Arnold comedies released within a week! Mention of Tom will send a so-called sophisticate into a fit of smirking and sniffing, but I've always thought he was pretty funny (at least half the time). So what if he rode his wife's coattails to fame? Who wouldn't? Hollywood is a rat-nest of nepotism. You think that goatface Tori Spelling would get in a high school play without her pop's bucks to back her up? Anyway, there must be a market for Tom's hyper antics and affable charm, as he's getting loads of work. The Stupids was in & out of theaters before I could catch it, which is too bad, as my sister (a third grade teacher and mother) said that Arnold was perfectly cast as the doofus patriarch featured in the series of top selling children's books. I did enjoy his work in Carpool however. Arnold plays a lovable hold-up man who takes a harried father and a vanload of urchins hostage for a series of simple-minded adventures. Though the focus is on the familiar loud & messy kids' comedy, there's also quite a bit of adult satire mixed in. Speaking of nepotism - Tom's pursued on his jolly crime spree by relentless meter maid Perlman (also in last month's Matilda), who's li'l hubby got her into his hit sitcom all those years ago, and is now starring in her own (if it's not canceled by the time you read this).

THE CROW - City of Angels

Why this unnecessary sequel is set in LA beats me. This poor retreadlooks the same as Detroit did in the great original. Good perfs by punk vets Iggy Pop and Ian Dury, but otherwise there's really no reason to catch this one.

CURDLED

Writer/director Reb Braddock takes us to much more original territory in Curdled. Even I'm getting a bit weary of serial killer movies, but this one has such a good twist to it that it ought to keep you interested. Angela Jones stars as a naïve young woman who follows her unquenchable fascination with murder (and specifically the "Blue-Blood Killer" played by Billy Baldwin) to the point where she seeks out a job with a cleaning company (headed up by a deadpan earnest Barry Corbin) that specializes in mopping up bloody crime scenes. Though sometimes too stagebound, this is a charmingly twisted little black comedy. Watch for exec. prod. Quentin Tarentino in a brief mug shot of the infamous Gecko brothers (From Dusk Till Dawn).

THE FAN

Robert DeNiro as an obsessed psycho? What an original idea! Director Tony Scott shows us, in relentless detail, how Bobby D becomes an twisted maniac fixated on his favorite baseball player. He also shows us how Wesley Snipes' star baseball player turns into an asshole worthy of DeNiro's rage. We spend far too much time with DeNiro's unpleasant character, which allows Snipes to appear more attractive. Dark, moody, stylish, well-acted - but fairly tedious.

GRACE OF MY HEART/THAT THING YOU DO!

Two entertaining features showing two views of the music biz in the '60s - and crooner Chris Isaak pops up in recording studios in both of them. Go figure. Illeana Douglas plays a songwriter cranking out the pop hits while her personal life goes through changes in the superior chick movie Grace of My Heart, eventually marrying a Brian Wilson type (Matt Dillon)! Though she lip-syncs all her songs, Douglas (who some readers may likely remember best for getting her face bit off by Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear) is terrific and ably carries the film, while writer/director Alison Anders keeps you hooked with humor and lots of cult cameos. In That Thing You Do!, Tom Everett Scott is a jazz fan who fills in for the drummer in his buddies' band one night. Speeding up the tempo on the title tune makes them overnight sensations with the record landing in the top ten. Trailers make this look like a Beatles send-up, but the Wonders (originally the One-ders) represent all the little combos in pop music history that rose up out of obscurity via a really great tune (which holds up even though played constantly throughout the film - will somebody please write in with an accurate count? I lost track), only to splatter against the wall of sudden fame. Tom "Mr. Nice" Hanks wrote, directed, played the manipulative but sympathetic manager, and even wrote some of the music. He does well in all departments. Scott looks so much like a young Hanks that I suspect this story was written long ago with different casting in mind. Tyler (Stealing Beauty), who plays the band's sweet cheerleader, has been in at least a half-dozen movies this year. I recommend these flicks as a double feature.

THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU

Why remake Island of Lost Souls, one of the most chilling horror classics of the '30s, which has already been remade at least twice? Two possibilities: public domain source material and modern creature f/x. David Thewlis plays a shipwreck survivor who finds himself stranded on the title Pacific anti-paradise of experimental animal men. Though director John Frankenheimer provides some tense moments and nice images, this is a mess of a movie, lacking in pace, atmosphere, structure, and vision. The aforementioned makeup is the best that money can buy, but the accompanying CGI f/x are disappointing. Marlon Brando surely recognized Charles Laughton's brilliance in the role of Moreau, and does his best to imitate that performance, but he's wasted and abandoned too early. Fairuza Balk's panther woman is similarly ignored. Thewlis is another good actor, but he's totally incapable of gaining audience sympathy. This leaves Val Kilmer's psycho junky version of Moreau's senselessly treacherous assistant Montgomery as the centerpiece of the film, but nothing he does seems to have any motivation (other than "he's crazy!"). Lacking Brando's presence, Kilmer settles for ad libbing a weak imitation. After seeing a lengthy early trailer this spring (which desperately used the Doors "The End" as an attempt to describe the film by connecting it to Brando's Apocalypse Now), I had this movie pegged as the dog of the summer. By the time it opened, I was hoping I might be wrong. I wasn't. Guess more than one good adaptation of HG Wells in one year (Independence Day) is more than you can ask for.

KILLER - A Jounal of Murder

In the '20s, Leavenworth guard Henry Lesser (Robert Sean Leonard) befriended prisoner Carl Panzram (James Woods), who'd broken "every law known to God and man". Lesser risked his job to allow Panzram to write down his story, which wasn't published until 50 years later. Writer/director Tim Metcalfe spends way too much time trying to make this a mushy Shawshank Redemption-style story about the killer & guard relationship, but when he gets into the actual portrayal of the journal's contents, this movie comes alive as a thrilling, shocking and funny pulp crime story. No doubt inspired by the meatiest role he's had in years, Woods is surprisingly restrained and much more in control than we're used to seeing him. In his period costume, he reminded me a great deal of Lon Chaney, Sr. Steve Forrest stands out as a reform-minded warden and Lily Taylor makes an uncredited cameo as a speakeasy barfly. This is perfect fare for True Crime buffs.

LAST MAN STANDING

Walter Hill tries his hand at Kuosawa's Yojimbo (itself based on Hammett's Red Harvest), with Bruce Willis playing a prohibition era American samurai. In the original, Toshiro Mifune was a skilled warrior, but the focus of the film was on how he manipulates rival gangs in a desolate town to fight each other while profiting from both sides. Here, Hill bows to modern tastes, and we find Willis blasting away in one John Woo-inspired gun battle after another. Also, he shows more heart than Mifune (and Clint Eastwood in Leone's Western version) - not necessarily an improvement. Still, it's hard to be harsh with such great story material at hand, and this tale is likely to be remade many times. Also helping matters is the fact that Bruce Dern, William "Larry" Sanderson, David Patrick Kelly, and Christopher Walken are given unexpectedly rich supporting roles.

MAXIMUM RISK

Better than average Jean-Claude Van Damme action fare, enlivened greatly by the veteran hand of director Ringo Lam (Full Contact) and location shooting in France and New York. JCVD plays a French policeman who goes undercover in the USA when he discovers a twin brother he never knew has been murdered by Russian mobsters. After that, it's one run-and-shoot after another. Co-star Natasha Henstridge's acting isn't very good, but she takes her shirt off very well.

SHE'S THE ONE/FEELING MINNESOTA

In She's the One, Edward Burns' follow-up to The Brothers McMullen (which was about feuding brothers played by Burns and Mike McGlone), Diaz plays a former hooker who sparks a battle between a pair of feuding brothers (Burns and McGlone). Sitcom stars provide support. In Feeling Minnesota, for a change of pace Diaz plays a former hooker who sparks a battle between a pair of feuding brothers (Keanu - also in the still-running Chain Reaction - and Vincent D'Onofrio). Tuesday Weld, Delroy Lindo and Courtney Love provide support. Dan Akroyd, as an evil copper, stands out as the only cast member to attempt a 'sota accent. Both flix are good for some laughs, but what I'd really like to see is them randomly spliced together.

SOLO

Best known as the ex-astronaut who bought half of Alaska on TV's Northern Exposure, hefty Barry Corbin has since taken up Morris Ankrum's perpetual uniform as the King of Military Brass roles. In Solo, he plays an evil general in charge of project developing android soldiers for combat duty. Mario Van Peebles is the title artificial G.I., who goes on the LAN to save his synthetic hide after disobeying an order to kill innocent Central American villagers. Van Peebles is good, but this one wastes way too much time swiping creaky old sci-fi clichés (watch the robot learn to laugh) to make up for the relative lack of big screen action.

TIN CUP

Though radically different in style, this film's not that far from this year's other big sports comedy, Kingpin. Both tell the tale of a washed-up mighta-been loser who tries to make a comeback and get revenge on a hated rival by entering a quirky individual sports championship requiring little in the way of athletic ability. Both fail to take the trophy, but score a personal triumph. Kevin Costner is a Texas golf pro who, along with sidekick Cheech Marin, try to win trophy gal Rene Russo away from slimy Don Johnson, while reclaiming his self-respect. I don't follow the game (and shoot me if I do), so a lot of inside stuff likely went over my head. Like golf itself, this is a relaxing way to kill a couple hours without having to think too much. I enjoyed it, but frankly, Kingpin is a better film.

2 DAYS IN THE VALLEY

Sold as a Pulp Fiction wannabe, this respectable ensemble cast diversion is closer to Robert Altman territory, but bloodier. Half the fun is wondering how all the characters (human, canine and Danny Aiello) will get together. For a change of pace, in this role you're supposed to hate James Spader. Features the best cat fight of the year (Charlize Theron vs. Teri "Lois Lane" Hatcher). Va va voom!

A VERY BRADY SEQUEL

It seemed unlikely, but The Brady Bunch Movie turned out to be pretty funny. An even bigger surprise: A Very Brady Sequel is even better. The Brady Bunch was a show we all watched as kids, then over and over in reruns. Not because it was really good, but because it was so incredibly lame that it kept us in unintentional stitches. The movies mine the series for its true entertainment value. Thus, if a gag doesn't work, it's still funny. Shelley Long and Gary Cole lead the returning cast in right-on parody of TV's most far out-of-it family through various silly plotlines, mainly centered around Tim Matheson's masquerade as Mrs. Brady's first husband. Ru Paul, cameos once again as a school guidance counselor. Highlights include Matheson's magic mushroom trip (which skewers the incredibly bad Brady Kids cartoon show), Marcia and Greg discovering that they're not really brother and sister, and the surprise ending, which merges elements of the Sherwood Schwartz Universe. Who was the first Mrs. Brady? Here's a hint: she shares a birthday with Shelley Long!

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